Brian Smith Weighs In Notre Dame had a rough start to the season, to say the least. As we stand at 2-2, some may point to our “difficult” front-end schedule. Brian Smith dispels any notion, however, that USF and Michigan are good teams.  Although KLM is correct that they are ranked, we here at ODTL concur with B Smith—USF and Michigan are not exactly cream of the crop, that is, not top 25 teams. Notre Dame did not begin by playing cupcakes, but both teams are clearly over-ranked at the moment. Or, simply, they suck.

Brian Smith Weighs In

Notre Dame had a rough start to the season, to say the least. As we stand at 2-2, some may point to our “difficult” front-end schedule. Brian Smith dispels any notion, however, that USF and Michigan are good teams.  Although KLM is correct that they are ranked, we here at ODTL concur with B Smith—USF and Michigan are not exactly cream of the crop, that is, not top 25 teams. Notre Dame did not begin by playing cupcakes, but both teams are clearly over-ranked at the moment. Or, simply, they suck.

ND Finally Offers Comment on Rumored Move to the ACC

He's still gigglin' a little bit.

In a new twist in the conference expansion news and rumors that have been gaining significant steam lately, Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick had this to say when asked about Notre Dame’s alleged plans to move the football program (and all of their other sports that we don’t care as much about) to the Atlantic Coast Conference:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh wait you’re serious? 

[noticeable beat]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHSTOPITSTOPIT I’m crying laughing over here!

After that, he wiped the tears from his face with a $1000 bill he pulled from a kleenex box filled with $1000 bills, balled it up, and threw it in the trash.

“Don’t be stupid. ND been had money, cameraman, SHAPPOW” concluded Swarbrick, before storming out of the press conference.

Weeks later, we find out Brian Kelly is just really really impressed by that whole “roll your tongue into a weird shape” thing.

Weeks later, we find out Brian Kelly is just really really impressed by that whole “roll your tongue into a weird shape” thing.

Smarter Football and The New Mathematics

Bill: so let me fucking get this straight
Bill: we were ranked 18 in the preseason polls
Bill: we lose to michigan and south florida
Bill: now michigan is 22
Bill: and south florida is 18?!
Bill: but beating michigan state legitimately ranked 15, knocks them off the rankings completely
Bill: and they STILL got more votes than us
James: College Football is an anarchic blood orgy
Bill: no it isnt. cmon…
James: where's Pitt ranked, might I ask?
Bill: they aren’t.
James: so
James: when we lose to them
James: bye bye ranking for the next three years
Bill: lol
Bill: we better not lose to them, dammit
James: Bill, these games are pure randomness
James: theater of the absurd
Bill: no
James: 3 ½ hours of nihilistic ass-licking
Bill: there has to be some system
Bill: IT’S JUST LIKE THE STOCK MARKET
Bill: WE CAN TRACK THIS
Bill: TWITTER COULD TELL US. TWITTER TELLS US EVERYTHING
Bill: the general twitter consensus 30 minutes before a game has a 80% probability of predicting the correct winner!
James: um...
Bill: ive decided this!
James: you and math...not friends
Bill: what, twitter not feeling ohio state over purdue? start putting your money in the longshot boys! we gon’ get rich as FUUUUUUUUUUCK
James: I
James: personally
James: am never feeling good about Purdue
James: over anything
James: I can see Purdue dropping a game to 11 llamas, 31-17
James: at home
>

Hallelujah

We aren’t 0-3! We didn’t self-destruct, there were no flag-plantings, Little Giants, or heart attacks, and we beat a top 25 team. Hallelujah!

Golden Tate being awesome

It’s enough to make Golden Tate jump for joy.

BRIAN SMITH WATCH… because yeah, DUH, Fitty.

I’m not saying that Brian Smith does Twitter wrong. Oh no. I never would say that. Brian smith does Twitter right. He does Twitter #OhSoRight.

Come on 50..Its 2011.. We dont do the durag with the fitted anymore RT @50cent: On times square taking pictures lol #SK http://t.co/DeiWvDC  less than a minute ago via Echofon Favorite Retweet Reply

 Brian Smith
BCSmith58

HARK, I think I hear 50Cent not asking for random-ass fashion advice! THIS CAN NOT BE. We can’t live in a world where people are not giving unsolicited fashion tips to Mr “took nine to the body so he can wear whatever he damned well pleases thank you,” himself. Who will save us? Who will stop this senselessness?

Brian fucking Smith, that’s who. Thank heaven for number fifty-eight

fifty-three

#50eight.

Notre Dame has committed five redzone turnovers in two games. This is the hallmark of a team that, in a former lifetime, was an army that shot the infants of their enemies over the city walls in trebuchets, and it now paying for it with lifetimes of agony.

EDSBS.com

Well… I guess they do have a point. Old fans of the lispy-velociraptor Holtz era, you know it’s true.

In Lieu of Crist, Ragone Steps Up to Exploding Knees Role

The unluckiest team gets just a bit more unlucky this week with news that fifth-year senior Mike Ragone is out for the season with a torn ACL. The news sparked Coach Kelly to say something along the lines of

“I’m disappointed for him. He’s been a warrior for our team and has battled all year long. Mike has battled a lot of injuries, but he loves the competition of the game and the battles he gets into. Because he is a warrior, you see, and traditionally warriors get into a lot of battles… They sometimes win those battles, but in Mike’s case they sometimes will lose a battle or two here or there. But, you know, you just battle through it and battle back, and we are really going to miss him. We want to help him with any battles he may have to battle through in the future. Battle.” 

Ragone for his part, has dealt with multiple knee injuries dating all the way back to his high school days, so this isn’t entirely surprising. Rather, it serves as a rather fitting punctuation mark (specifically an ellipsis followed by a question mark) to his somewhat disappointing career as a TE for the Irish. 

Benched QB Dayne Crist was heard later in the dining hall to say “Thanks, Mike. With me not playing, somebody had to take up the exploding-knees mantle. I’m glad it was you.” He then was seen crying softly into his bowl of oat bran cereal.

Goodbye and good luck, Mike Ragone. We at ODTL will never forget the time you dropped a screen pass that would have sealed the Pitt game for us last season. Still one of our favorites. Good times.

@TomFornelli

ATTN: Free Money RT @KegsnEggs: Notre Dame is now a five-point favorite over Michigan State. Line opened at 3.5 less than an hour ago.
Tom Fornelli being great at Twitter

Hey, hey, ND lost

I just wanted to get that relic of the age of confidence and self-satisfaction the fuck off of our top banner.

THIS IS THE NEW AGE OF RESENTMENT AND DISCORD - GIRD. YOUR. LOINS.

7 Baseless and Arbitrary Reasons Why Notre Dame WILL Beat Michigan Tonight

1) Lee Corso picked Michigan.
 
2) It’s a throwback game, and Notre Dame used to be good. Wait, so did Michigan. Ok, this is a wash. NEXT REASON.
 
3) God exists, chooses favorites, and obviously favors Notre Dame. Notre Dame is a Catholic institution that embraces its spiritual heritage; Michigan is the flagship university of a state descending into the depths of hell (see Detroit, and its BURNING). Notre Dame’s pandering to the correct deity will be a deciding factor in the game when ND needs a key first down. And, just to be safe, we should slaughter a goat to whatever other god would like that and may help us win.


 
4) Nate Montana is in Montana, that is, there is NO WAY he plays in this year’s game.
 
5) Brian Kelly will provide a cool and collected presence on the sideline, allowing Notre Dame to focus on the game and overcome any adversity.*

 
 
6) Manti Te’o



7) Brian Smith has performed extensive analysis and determined there is no reason we should not have won in ‘09. We therefore must make amends for this injustice tonight. WE ARE DUE!


*We here at ODTL actually endorse Brian Kelly’s yelling because, frankly, the players deserve it.

>

OH GOD WE LOOK LIKE TOOLS!!!

Apparently Notre Dame doesn’t know how to comprehend a Michigan night game either

——————————————————————— 

“WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING SPECIAL!!” 

“LET’S PLAY THE WHOLE GAME IN ALLIGATOR SKIN BOOTS FROM EL PASO!!!” 

“NO KELLY, YOU BRAINLESS SCREAMING FIGUREHEAD!” 

“What then, Bobby D?” 

“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, I HAVE 927 BLITZ PATTERNS TO DESIGN BY LUNCH.  FIGURE IT OUT” 

(Kelly scans room, sees supply of newly prepared golden helmets, sees Dayne Crist watching A Bridge Too Far on his laptop, sees Tommy Rees headbutting a mirror, sees Michael Floyd opening his 17th can of Diet Coke in the last hour, sees John Goodman arguing with Spike Lee on Twitter, sees Evan Sharpley standing in the corner with a brown sweatsuit on trying to blend in with the lockers, sees Zeke Motta walk in with hair covered in grass and clovers) 

“Hey coach, I fell asleep in a meadow for four days, what did I miss?” 

“THAT’S IT!”

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

It’s the ODTL podcast after dark, with your hosts James “the love doctor” Fegan, and Bill “Dr. Loooooove” Bullock.

In this stripped-down version of the podcast. James and Bill talk about game one, Brian Kelly’s puh puh puh purple face (puh puh purple face), switching allegiance to a certain team from Evanston, and of course the BRIAN SMITH WATCH. 

EDIT: Due to the upload being kind of janky and causing errors for some users, direct link is here. Sorry for the (even more than usual) shit sound quality at the beginning. I don’t know what happened there. It should get better as it goes.

We Aren’t Going to Pretend…

Listen, friends. We aren’t going to pretend that the combination of the holiday, travel to and from South Bend, and James being away in NYC didn’t wear us down. Subsequently, we didn’t write anything or record our reaction podcast. Don’t worry though. The podcast will be forthcoming. Please feel free to call us lazy bastards on the facebook page.

We’re going inside of ‘em, we’re going outside of ‘em — inside of ‘em! outside of ‘em! — and when we get them on the run once, we’re going to keep ‘em on the run. And we’re not going to pass unless their secondary comes up too close. But don’t forget, men — we’re gonna get ‘em on the run, we’re gonna go, go, go, go! — and we aren’t going to stop until we go over that goal line! And don’t forget, men — today is the day we’re gonna win. They can’t lick us — and that’s how it goes… The first platoon men — go in there and fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! What do you say, men!

Knute Rockne, via http://archives.nd.edu/research/texts/rocknespeech2.htm

I guess I can’t help my excitement for Saturday. And now I can’t help but hear Sean Astin’s rendition of this speech as Rudy in the movie of the same name (yes, I’m probably going to go watch that now).